


Rabbit Hole

by thestoryofme13



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Thomas Sanders
Genre: Anxiety, Body Horror, Nighmare Realm AU, Possible Body Horror, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-02-16 17:17:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13058553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thestoryofme13/pseuds/thestoryofme13
Summary: Concept: Virgil reads Tumblr has an existential crisis





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: self-doubt, negative self-think, anxiety, uselessness, blood

Virgil is scrolling down Tumblr because someone had to maintain Thomas’ page now that he was on a “school schedule.” He was looking through the Sanders Sides tag, these fans were so dedicated and talented. He was just about to put the phone when he saw a gif of him from the nostalgia video, of him trying to reassure Thomas that he has no reason to feel bad. Apparently, this user had decided that this was extremely out of character for Virgil, that he seemed weaker somehow and not quite himself. This theory intrigues him so he reads the replies, from there he sees more examples of his “out of character behavior.” Was it possible they had a point, was he losing his touch? Was it possible that he wasn’t the same person? The room was spinning, he needed help. He pocketed his phone, not realizing what time it was, and crawled to Logan’s room. He didn’t bother knocking, he wasn’t even sure he could, so he pushed the handle down without getting up from the ground. Logan was a light sleeper so the minute the door handle moved he sat up and turned on the light, surprised to see a figure crawling across his floor. Logan looked at the clock and groaned, it was 2 a.m., “Virge, what’s up?” Logan hid the annoyance in his voice well because he knew Virgil wouldn’t be here unless it was an emergency. Virgil had made his way to Logan’s bed and sat by his feet, he needed something to hold onto to bring himself back. Logan knew this and set his hand on the anxious traits’ shoulder, Virgil placed his hand over Logan’s and began to focus on his breathing. His mind was still racing but eventually he found his voice, he handed his phone to Logan, “Who am I,” he managed to squeak out. Logan’s heart broke at the sight of Virgil so torn up, he took the phone to inspect what exactly could’ve caused this reaction. His heart must have stopped for a split second when he saw the thread Virgil was referring to, could he lie to the side and tell him to forget. He shook his head and cursed inwardly, it was illogical to lie, he was bound to find out eventually. Logan sighed, “I was hoping to you would never ask.” Virgil began to panic, were the theories right, was it possible that he was not himself? His head was spinning and he felt like collapsing and hiding until everything settled. Logan sensed this, he took Virgil’s hand in his own to try and keep him grounded, “It’ll be easier for me to show you.” With that, they walked out of Logan’s room.

Virgil felt like he was having an out of body experience, somehow his legs knew to follow Logan and allowed him to put weight on them. Virgil’s mind was still clouded but he realized exactly where they were going, he stopped and pulled Logan to a halt as well nearly causing the logical side to fall, “Lo, why are we going to the dark part? You aren’t trying to get rid of me are you?” Virgil’s voice was shaking as the last sentence was spoken, Logan turned to meet the terrified gaze of the anxious side, “I would never get rid of you Virge. You help even Thomas out, I cannot be the only source of realistic thinking. Thomas needs you, nay I need you, you keep me sane. It’s not too much further.” With a reassuring smile the Logical side pulled Virgil down the hallway, they passed a room Virgil knew too well. The nightmare room is where he had originally been formed, sometimes he was forced to visit that room in his own dreams, but if it meant Thomas and the others weren’t forced to endure it then he would happily go to that room every night for the rest of his life to protect the others. They had finally reached the end of the hallway, Virgil looked in front of him to find a mirror, “Lo, did you really just drag me down this hallway to see….” His voice broke, he realized that Logan’s reflection wasn’t there, it was only him, except not really the jackets and hair were different but in theory, it was him. Virgil couldn’t bear to stop staring, without breaking eye contact with the “mirror” he spoke, “Lo, why does he look like me? What is this?” Logan forced Virgil to look at him by gently turning his head, “That is you, well to an extent that you are both you. This is the heightened, overbearing, threatening part of your person, for lack of a better word the villain.” Virgil flinched at the word villain, “How…did he…uhhh…I get like that?” Virgil wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer or that his heart could handle it. Logan looked away, he seemed almost sad, “Well Patton and Roman had decided that you held too much power over Thomas. They blamed you for any dream left unfollowed or the lack of familial ties. Over the course of a couple of months with help from a book Roman found, they created a serum to separate you. Basically, the part behind this mirror is the strength and meanness you once carried.” Virgil fell to the floor, this was all too much, he was practically screaming, “Logan how could you let them do this to me! I was trying to be better! I thought they had accepted me, I thought you all had!” Logan kneeled down, “I have accepted you! I had nothing to do with this, you have to believe me. They believed what they were doing was best for Thomas.” Logan attempted to put a comforting hand on the hurting side, but he recoiled at the touch. Virgil looked up and glared at the logical side through gritted teeth he said, “Well can you fix it?” Logan flinched at the seething words, “I have been trying to fix it since I found out.” Virgil seemed to calm down slightly by these words, then he started to panic did he actually want this fixed? Logan noticed the change in breathing and waited for Virgil to regain his ability to speak. After a couple of minutes of focusing on breathing and digging his nails into his palms he spoke, “Lo, what happens if we stay separated?” Logan thought about this for a minute, “I’m honestly not sure. Are you rethinking wanted to be reunited?” Virgil nodded, “What if this is what’s best for Thomas? Now he’s allowed to listen and follow his dreams without as much protest from me.” Logan shook his head, “That’s not always a good thing. He needs you at your best to keep him in line. I can only be the taskmaster for so long, the other two can be quite the handful. I need you to be your whole self.” Virgil gets up and returns to looking in the “mirror.” This feral half of him looked so hurt, he remembered that. Those days when he hated himself more than anything in life, where he felt useless, where he felt hopeless, unloved, and unwanted. He punched the glass which only caused feral Virgil to shriek and growl. Virgil’s hand was bleeding now, but at this point, he didn’t care. He thought he was happy but after this betrayal, maybe it was all a lie. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to be happy, they took away the parts that made him who he was if that was so then this feral version was who he was and a further reminder that he wasn’t allowed to be happy. The only person he could count on was himself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Concept: All hell breaks loose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Yelling, Anxiety, Anger

It had been a couple of hours or maybe more, Virgil wasn’t keeping track. Watching feral Virgil was like watching a car wreck, it was so horrible that he couldn’t look away, they were part of each other. Logan had left ages ago, once he had convinced Virgil to allow him to clean up his hand, which was now neatly bandaged.

He was beginning to fall asleep but knew that if he were to sleep in this corner of Thomas’ mind, that he would be scarred or worse. He felt bad leaving his feral self but he was too scared to drift on in this corner of the mind. Virgil thought that maybe his feral side wasn’t always this bad but being forced to sleep and exist in the darkest parts of Thomas’ mind had possibly corrupted him. Even when Virgil was whole he never wanted to be in that corner of the mind, but it was part of his job to keep the others safe.

The others, he sneered, they were the reason he was like this. They wanted him to change everything about him, make him weak and easily manipulated. He was too tired to be this passionate, with one last look at feral Virgil he started to walk away, assuring himself that he would come back. It must have been later than he thought because as he was heading towards his room, he passed through the kitchen to get some water. Patton and Roman were awake and eating breakfast, Virgil glanced at the time on the microwave it was nine in the morning, he really needed to sleep. Patton looked up from his conversation with Roman to acknowledge Virgil’s presence, “Mornin’ kiddo,” he chirped. Virgil felt his blood boil and glared at the father figure, Patton flinched at the look. Roman watched the entire exchange, he looked at Patton for clarification, then said, “What’s wrong with emo nightmare? He seems grumpier than usual.” Patton had gotten up from the table to approach Virgil, he reached out hesitantly, “Are you alright kiddo,” the concern evident in his voice. Virgil returned Patton’s genuinely concerned look with an icy glare, “I’m fine not that you care!” Virgil was glad that his voice hadn’t failed him and cracked, he kept his composure. After grabbing a glass of water, he exited the kitchen and returned to his room, he was exhausted. The minute his head hit his pillow he fell asleep, no time to think about the events that had happened today, just sweet darkness.

Patton was hurt by the looks he received from Virgil and wanted to get to the bottom of this sudden outburst. He was certain that those had ceased when he and Roman had separated Virgil. Roman was no help in deducing the cause of Virgil’s behavior, so he sought out Logan. Patton was stood in front of the logical sides’ door and proceeded to knock. Patton heard a quiet “It’s open,” from the other side. Patton turned the handle surprised to see the logical side still, not in professional attire. Patton decided to question his appearance later, one problem at a time, “Have you noticed Virgil acting strangely recently?” Logan paled and readjusted his glasses, “Well if you must know, the fans made a theory that Virgil was different and he found it on Tumblr early this morning.” Patton was furious, “You told him what we did!” Logan shook his head, “Technically I said nothing. He read the theory and came to me with questions, I merely showed him the room.” Patton’s head looked like it was about to burst, “He was never supposed to know! Does he know that it was Roman and I who separated them?” Logan nodded, “There was no logical reason for me to lie to him, it would have been irrational. Do you think it’s possible that the feelings you are experiencing now are guilt because you know what you did was wrong?” Patton closed the distance between the two of them, he had pinned the logical side to the wall, his eyes were almost glazed over with anger, “This is not guilt! Roman and I did what was best for everyone. We were only thinking of Thomas.” Logan spoke but barely above a whisper, “Ah, yes but maybe that is the problem Morality, you thought of Thomas but not of Virgil.” Patton flinched at the use of his trait name, he had let go of the logical side, with one last angry glare he walked out of the room slamming the door behind him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some new insight on everything that happened
> 
> Warnings: Anxiety attack, negative thoughts, trouble breathing, shaking, angst, not being able to move

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think anyone expected a new chapter of this fic but I am definitely bringing it back.

Once the Moral Side left Logan’s room he went to find Roman. A task that seemed to be easier said than done, he had checked the commons, the imagination, the kitchen, and now finally he was going to check Roman’s room. 

 

Patton stood before the cherry hardwood door bringing his hand up and knocking harsher than normal, most of his anger had subsided in looking for the Prince but it was still there boiling underneath his calmer exterior.

 

Roman opened the door in an over exaggerated gesture, “Come in, Patton,” he said as he held the door open shooting the other Side a charming smiled but it faltered when he took in Patton’s demeanor.

 

After stepping into Roman’s room he turned to face the other Side. Patton tried to regain some of his self-control so he didn’t blow up; but chewing on the inside of his lip only did so much, he glared at the other side, “I need Virgil to forget.”

 

“Forget what, Padre?” Roman asked quizzically raising an eyebrow at Patton’s vagueness.  

 

Patton crossed his arms and began pacing the room, “Virgil...he found out...what I...what we did. This can’t be better for Thomas if he knows!” His voice cracking with the anger and pain of his dark strange son not loving him anymore. 

 

Roman leaned against the door, “Patton...we can’t we are already playing with dangerous stuff here. Neither of us traverse the Nightmare realm well and you know the dark magic we need cannot come from me.”

 

Patton growled, glaring at Roman with a fire in his eyes, “We need to...If you don’t come with me, I’ll go without you.” His eyes narrowed as if he was challenging Roman to go against him. 

 

The fanciful side sighed walking towards Patton and gently wrapping his hands around the other’s wrists, keeping his eyes lock on the other, “I’ll come with you. We just need to be quick about it.” 

 

“Thank you, Ro.” Patton said as he felt the tension roll off him.

* * *

 

Virgil woke up disoriented, his mind racing at a mile a minute and flooded with images of yesterday. He felt his room respond to the influx of emotion, each new mental tangent causing him to spiral further, the room grew darker and colder. So much so that Virgil could see his breath, when he remembered to release it that is. He felt the attack rising but he couldn’t focus long enough to ground himself or think about remembering to breathe. 

 

He laid there for who knows how long staring at a spot on the ceiling, his body shaking equal parts from the cold of his room and from the panic that had now consumed him. Virgil had thrown off his blanket in the beginning in the hopes that the cold of the room would ground him but now as he laid there unable to move he regretted that choice. His joints had locked up from the panic, his voice having long since been stripped of him, the only thing he could do now was stare at the ceiling and gasp for air when his body deemed it necessary. 

 

Some part of him wishing for someone to come help him and the other part of him screaming about how weak he was to want someone to help him. He was Anxiety, he should be able to handle it on his own not rely on someone who probably didn’t even care to help him.

 

Virgil will never admit it but when his door opened and he saw Logan he felt relief. He hadn’t wanted to think about what Roman or Patton would do if they found his in this state. 

* * *

 

Logan shivered upon entering the room, he had felt the shift in mindscape when he was working with Thomas on scheduling, not to mention all the symptoms that Thomas himself had displayed. After making sure that Thomas wasn’t a danger to himself and that he would indeed be safe on the couch the Logical Side sunk out and made his way to Virgil’s room. He hadn’t bothered with knocking knowing that if he could feel the shift and if Thomas was experiencing the effects that Virgil would be unable to answer. 

 

Once adjusting to the cold Logan scanned the room for the anxious side. His eyes falling on the bed where Virgil was laying, his whole body shaking looking more like convulsions than a panic attack. He made his way slowly to the bed, conjuring a weighted blanket that he had explained to Virgil numerous times before would help. 

 

“Virge, I’m going to place this blanket over you. I’m not going to hurt you, promise. Nor am I going to touch you without your say so,” Logan said gently, his voice loud but not unkind. 

 

The anxious side had blinked a couple of times at Logan’s words trying to get them to sink in, he let out a shaky breath as his eyes locked on Logan’s.

 

Logan nodded seeing he got the other’s attention and gently placing the blanket on top of the shaking Side. He never let his eyes leave Virgil’s, “I’ll give you a few moments to adjust to the blanket and then we’ll try a grounding technique. You’ll be okay, Virgil.”

 

Another shaky drawn out breath escaped Virgil’s lips, the weighted blanket feeling more like a noose at first each breath being harder than it had been, to begin with. The weight of the blanket on his skin felt like it was on fire, as he adjusted the pain dulled, it actually began to feel... _comforting_. 

 

“Good, Virgil. I’m going to try and guide you through a breathing exercise, now. Don’t get frustrated if it takes a while for your breathing to even out.” Logan reassured the other gently maintaining soft eye contact, “In for four.” Logan waited as Virgil tried to follow the instructions. 

 

Virgil took a breath, it was shallow and he probably only managed to suck in air for two rather than four, but if Logan noticed he didn’t seem angry. The anxious side already knew the next step having told the others and Thomas what technique could help in this situation. He held his breath for about five seconds and then let it out for six. Maybe it was six he couldn’t tell the gasping and coughing in the middle of letting the breath out made it hard to keep track. 

 

Logan smiled down at the anxious trait, he could the other was trying so hard to follow the instructions he was given, “ You’re doing great, Virgil. Let’s do this a couple more times and see if you can start breathing at steadier.” He patiently walked Virgil through the breathing exercise, after four repetitions the instructions seemed to get easier to follow but the breathing not quite evening out. 

 

“L--lo…” Virgil’s voice got cut off by coughing, his eyes still stuck on Logan’s. He saw the Logical side move and flinched out of fear but didn’t really get a choice, before he knew it he was in Logan’s arms. 

 

Without warning or thinking too much about the consequences, Logan pulled the other into his arms, sinking down and popping back into his own room, placing Virgil gently onto his own bed with the weighted blanket still draped over him, “Sorry, Virge. I thought your room was hindering your ability to completely come back to reality.”

 

Virgil nodded feeling the effects of Logan’s room, the breathing technique, and the weighted blanket start to calm him down. His eyes fluttering as he looked towards Logan, “S--sorrry.” Now that he could breathe and he realized just how much energy that attack took away from him. Virgil’s eyes closed slowly as he drifted to sleep in Logan’s bed.  


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan attempts to help Virgil gain some sense of reality. While Roman gets a surprise in the Nightmare Realm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Panic Attack Mention, panic, fear, physical burns, nausea, dread, feeling watched

Logan sat at his desk reading, taking a minute every so often to look up and check-in on the anxious Side sleeping in his bed. There was no way of knowing how long it might be before Virgil would wake. The logical Side could never remember a time when Virgil’s panic attacks had been so severe, although he assumed that there were times that the attacks were this severe and the other had decided to handle them on his own. He hated that thought, the possibility that Virgil felt the need to hide his panic attacks out of fear or worry of what the others would do, so much so that he just sat in silence and waited for everything to subside.

 

A movement from the bed caught brought Logan’s attention away from his book, he gently set the book on the desk marking his spot, then got up and knelt next to the bed, “Hey Virge….” He said in a soothing and caring tone.

 

Virgil’s eyes widened as he stared at the man kneeling next to him. Everything about this situation screamed  _ wrong, leave, run _ , but he couldn’t bring himself to move; the weight of the blanket on top of him seemingly holding him down.

 

Logan noticed the look of panic in the other’s eyes, “I’m not going to hurt you, Virgil. I found you having a panic attack and I tried to help. I was worried your room was making it worse so I brought you to my room. You’re safe, Thomas is safe, everything is going to be okay.

 

The anxious Side let out a whimper, “T--the others?”

 

“They know that you know,” Logan said with a soft smile and sighed, “But I will fix their mistake. I cannot imagine what came over those two that they thought separating you from what makes you, you, was a good idea.”

 

“Y--you can fix me? You  _ want  _ to fix me?” Virgil asked in a small voice.

 

The logical Side smiled softly at the Side in his bed, “I do not know if I can fix you but I will  _ try _ . If you want to be reunited then I will try my best to achieve that.” He sighed locking his eyes on Virgil’s, “But I assure you there is nothing to fix. You are not broken. You are separated from a part of yourself, but neither halves are broken.”

 

Virgil curled in on himself, “T--thanks…”

 

Logan reached out his hand setting it right in front of Virgil but not touching, “Would you like to accompany me to the archives to do research?”

 

Virgil looked up at Logan, “You want to s--spend time with me?”

 

“Well if we are going to figure out how to get you whole again, I think you should aid in the research.” Logan offered the excuse hoping it passed not wanting to say that he was worried about what could happen if he left Virgil alone and the others approached him.

 

A small smile pulled at Virgil’s lips, “Thank you, Lo.” He paused, “If we have to do research in the archives does that mean we have to go through the other’s catalogs?”

 

Logan frowned and nodded, “They seem to believe they have a reason and if we know how they did this horrible thing maybe I could get closer to reversing it.”

 

Virgil couldn’t help the nauseous feeling that overcame him from realizing that he would have to probe into Roman and Patton’s personal archives. He could attribute the feeling to wanting to respect the privacy of others but he knew it was mainly because his stomach flipped at the consequences if they ever found out. He took a steadying breath reminding himself that Logan wouldn’t tell them. The logical Side seemed trustworthy enough and genuinely concerned for the other’s safety. 

 

The anxious side tried to offer another smile, “One condition. This blanket….” He gripped the blanket tighter, “comes with us.”

 

Logan smiled and chuckled, “I agree to your terms, with one caveat.” Virgil raised an eyebrow at the other prompting him to continue, “You keep the blanket.”

 

Virgil felt his jaw drop and tried to immediately correct that emotion but wasn’t fast enough he saw Logan smirk at the other’s reaction. Virgil tried to regain some of his snark and sarcasm, “Are you ready, nerd?”

 

“You and Roman continue to say that word like it is an insult.” Logan said as he rolled his eyes, “I find that term quite endearing.”

 

Virgil shook his head fondly and stood with the blanket around his shoulders and the two of them sunk out to the archives.

* * *

 

 

Roman hated going to the Nightmare realm, it always put him on edge. He felt like there was always someone watching him even if he couldn’t see who or what it was. But the Prince felt he had a duty, Patton was a little puffball there was no way he could protect himself in this realm. He watched ahead as saw Patton leading the way almost as if he knew exactly where he wanted to go. He sped up to catch up with Patton, “Where are we going, padre?”

 

Patton turned to Roman with a small smirk, “Toward the ruins of what used to be here.” He paused thinking of how to continue, “Many years ago  _ someone _ destroyed most of this place trying to hide a lot of the bad aspects of Thomas.” His voice coming out in a growl that made Roman shiver. 

 

“What are we looking for, exactly?” Roman asked keeping his voice sing-songy to try and curb the feeling of impending doom.

 

The fatherly Side looked at Roman with a gleam in his eye, “A spellbook. Not only could we make Virgil forget knowing we could dispose of  _ Anxiety _ once and for all.” 

 

Roman halted grabbing Patton’s wrist but dropping it when he felt the skin of the other heat up to the point of burning his own hand. He yelped as he brought his hand away from Patton and looked at it to see a burn. The Prince shifted on his feet, “What the heckity heck was that Pat!” He screamed as he cradled his injured hand against him. 

 

Patton shrugged, “Must be something about the Nightmare realm...Maybe our love is just too strong for it.” He teased Roman with a wink then continued walking.

 

Roman stood there dumbstruck for a few moments before catching up to Patton but keeping his distance between the pair. 


End file.
